So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
