She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
