I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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