Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize