I think im going to throw up on grandma
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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