Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
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