So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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