I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
