you would pick up someone in the library
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
