I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
