if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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