Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
