you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
