So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
