Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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