How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
