i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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