im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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