I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
im six kinds of drunk right now
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
