Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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