standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So here I am, sexting at work.
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