Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
