I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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