Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
