I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
my being single is dangerous.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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