lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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