all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
