take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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