she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
