I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
