All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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