I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
