How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize