Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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