I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
