i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
