I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
