How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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