so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
