I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize