glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
