i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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