At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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