I just saw a hot homeless man
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
