the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
