i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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