he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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