You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I need water and some morals
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
