everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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