Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
