i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize