I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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