i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
