My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
