i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
