if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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