Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
