I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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